im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
I may or may not have melted a dent into the top of my minifridge with my hot glue gun, which I left on for the past couple hours unsupervised, while we were on our salvo/savers excursion. Welcome to Halloween in college.
So here i am dipping ice cream in my vodka and watching the bad girls club on demand. This is not ok
This might be the most awkward night of my life. And I had someone pee on me once.
I'm not leaving bed today. And i guess my drunken ass last night hit my roommate in the face with a tiki torch then proceeded to cry while carrying around a picture of he who must not being name. I'm a piece of work.
Come on. I'll make you hot pockets. Literally and sexually.
Although I feel like awkward kinda describes your entire sexual history...
THAT FUCKER WASTED TWO OF MY COLORED CONDOMS! HE DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING FINISH IN IT HE JUST SLAPPED IT ON AND WASTED IT!
Isn't it my whole life blown into this perfect spoon shaped piece of melted and artificially colored sand?
Wow.
I feel so nauseous and all I want is string cheese. My life never makes sense.
I'm just gonna eat nachos and wine fruit forever.
If I spent my amateur stripper money does that mean I am cleansed of my sins?
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
Randomize
