South Carolina's governor once cited "moral legitimacy" when he was a congressman voting for President Bill Clinton's impeachment. Karma is a bitch.
It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
$22.99 left in the bank til payday = 3($7 jack & coke) + 2($0.89 T-Bell taco) + $0.21 in case of emergency.
math is fun
Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
then again I'm sitting on a tree stump completely naked in the dark listening to some type of glee soundtrack.
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
do you think she knows her nickname is brickface?
he's gonorrhea incarnate
He's just sitting there staring at my sisters teddy bear hoping it will come to life.
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
Randomize
