Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
Do you ever go through someone elses pictures and just appreciate the fact that youre not really friends with them?
You had sex with him even after he literally described himself as a "coldplay guy"? There's a line you just don't cross. There is a line.
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
I gave the naked guy in the hotel hall a pop tart. He stopped crying.
Dude this breakup has officially hit rock bottom. sitting around watching women's NCAA basketball instead of going out
i feel like pizza bites are my only friend right now
Technically my penis started a fight tonight
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
Yeah..I guess you know your hair looks like shit when TSA asks to inspect it
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
I just accepted my offer to work as a camp counselor over the phone between shots of Fireball. This is going well for me so far.
I fucked R2D2 last night. I consider Star Wars day a success.
This is why you arnt allowed in pet stores
Do you ever just admire your boobs?
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