Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
So many lesbians keep hitting on me. I'm about to give up and just go home with the manliest one.
apologized to him about 10 times for being drunk. told him about 15 times that he was "really pretty"
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
I knew it was going to be a good night when i heard another girl call his dick "Thor's Hammer"
will barter weed for kareoke machine...
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
I literally just fucked insane clown pussy. 24 yo nut job moonlights at children's parties. Gave me head while still in full clown makeup from my kid's birthday party.
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
Stay away a while longer.
Still not sure if they're cops or strippers.
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
One singular head for man, one giant climax for mankind
Dentist appt at 2pm get milk poured on my tits by 2am
A marvelous 12 hours
It's a race to see if I finish the bottle first or my homework
Randomize
