it was all downhill after the free blackjack taco
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
it's so much work when my dad takes my car to get fixed, i had to take out the bottles, condoms, and my pipe
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
Explain to me how "cheap asian titties" is a complement?
My ex just called and told me that he is on his way to the hospital because he popped a vein in his dick. Should I go to the ER with him or class?
He was fucking her while he was wiping my tears.
Saturday at 4 is jello wrestling sponsored by the senior class council. That's why my school is awesome. Boom.
Someone just told me I have an ass that could kill small children .... Don't know how to take that one
I came in your room, you looked at me and said "I fucked up" and then some kid showed up and took you to the hospital
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
I was thirsty after the sex and it was a long trek back to res so naturally I stole chocolate milk from his fridge as I left
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
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