I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
It only happened twice. Once we used extra virgin olive oil and once I used saliva and brute force.
I hate drunken dyslexia, i thought she said "someone to do" not "something to do" long story short i now have a restraining order.
Apparently 'she used to sleep with my brother' is not an acceptable answer to how do you know each other.
look up what dreaming that you're in a lesbian relationship with a manatee means.
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
I just puked so hard I pissed myself. Outta my ass. I just won hangover of the century.
Ok how about tonight me and you get laid together. Same girl. Then she signs our dicks.
As weird as it sounds I would totally be down
Told my prof I have mono so that he won't judge me when I show up hungover and looking like shit to class every day.
Just skip
Please. i have SOME standards
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
...and that's why girls with IBS don't paint their nails
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
Sustenance and doggy style.. the only two things I need
Randomize
