I'm home alone watching The Hills seasons, eating pickles and drinking straight rye. I just googled "how to make friends". Probably not the most pro-active solution. Help.
Just asked what her favorite part of a guys body is. She said ballsack. I'm in love.
He passed out drunk on top of me. Fully erect. Still inside me. Woke up like 1 minute later, and continued.
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
Beer bonged 7 shots of Jameson. I title this night short stories with tragic endings.
Still can't decide which I'm more disappointed about: the blow job I gave him or the donuts I ate after.
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
The ratio of last drink to last smoke is so tricky. This could go on until the booze is gone
then she lifted her dress, tweaked her own nipples, and then ordered another round for everyone. this place is wild at 9pm.
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
Did I tell you about the swingers? Because I think they're trying to trap me.
Randomize
