:( I miss blowjobs.
This is probably the strangest conversational segue we've ever had.
No... We were arguing over whose family is more dysfunctional... Then my brother stumbled in and puked all over jakes ugly dog.
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
Two bottles of champagne and half a pizza later, I'm crying myself to tears watching The Nanny. Happy finals week.
He leaned in to kiss me and I dodged him but i fell on the floor. I guess I never got up cuz I woke up on the floor and he was in his bed
He puked in the funnel and continued to chug it. Who is this dude?
Even completely stoned shes amazing on the piano. There are like 7 people sitting on the ground listening to her like she's the messiah.
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
Well, I guess that's how life goes for my dad. One minute you're walking with your cooler on the afterglow of a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert, the next you find your grown son choking out a drunk redneck against your pickup truck.
My dad sent me a 10 ft beer bong and my mom sent me ideas for future careers. I'll let you guess who my favorite parent is. Also, come over tonight. and bring beers.
She's like the Jonah Hill of sorority sisters.
You're an independent woman who is defined by her own actions and not by whether or not you have a man. You also have great tits.
I've never seen so much of my blood outside me. After the initial shock it was kind of cool.
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
all i'm saying is don't blame me if your purses are filled with whoppers
are we talking malt balls or BK?
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