I'll pay for our taxi if you let me makeout with the drummer and we don't leave RIGHT when the bassist does.
my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
I remember sucking his bleeding finger and then it's all black until he had his hand down my pants.
I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird.
I was just expressing concern for your pickle consumption.
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
Going through my purse trying to find money for this cab but all I keep pulling out if chicken from my burrito o ate an hour ago. Help?
I may or may not have pissed on my floor last night
Welcome to 22
Omg one of the midgets from last night just added me to Facebook.
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
I gave her the last ten dollars to my name and bitch comes back with a six pack of bud light and a pack of sour patch kids
Going through his web history. 10 hours ago he searched "how to put on condom with your teeth" I think I'm getting it tonight.
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