I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
it's a girl!!
That's great, I look forward to meeting her in 18 years
If he doesn't notice me by the next party, i'm just gonna go up to him and pll his pants down and blow him.
Sounds like a plan.
I am not one to point fingers but since it says your name "wuz here" next to the dick drawn on my stomach I am holding you personally responsible.
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
Boxed wine mondays was one of our finer ideas
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
Last time we talked he was trying to sext me but he was including pictures of fruit
She hash-tagged my name. I think it's safe to say that she remembers our hookup.
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
I don't think it's food poisoning, I think it's cause you cooked it over burning styrofoam
When I said I wanted you to make noise during sex, I didn't mean mocking ones.
I said his dick tasted like a Hawaiian Sweet Roll. And then I yelled MAHALO.
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
Randomize
