nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
is it bad i banged a 25yr kindergarten teacher last night?
No thats like a top 10
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Why do i even want him? It's like his dick is a trophy and I need to put it on my wall of shame.
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
Close. The correct answer is shitting in a public toilet. We also would have accepted the pit of despair.
almost got into it with the cashier. bitch dont look at me like that just cuz im only buying wine and icing. ill fight.
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The last text I sent him was about nachos. Frankly, if he can't respond positively to that he can fuck off...
This coke is making my nose hairs dance. That good.
I remember us getting kicked out of the bar, but neither of us know why. We woke up next to chicken bones on a plate with spoons, and my car has mud all over it including places where feet shouldn't be, like the speakers on the car door.
Once he bit me I drew the fucking line.
i walked into her house and she introduced me to her family. i dont think she understands the term booty call
I smell like a mix of alcohol, sweat, and sex and its only 10 AM
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