nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
and I didnt even know his name until this morning when we were laying in bed and he referred to himself in the 3rd person.
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
I woke up with my left arm looking like it got mauled by a lion. Oo and she said someone broke her car window.
Just realized these events may be related.
God, i just love slightly insecure guys with hearts of gold and giant penises.
When you wake up in your dorm right outside your room with the key in the door, then you will understand my pain.
The other. Cat spoke to me and left. This shit is laced
The first cat might save me but they are taking out masks
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
Successfully masturbated while balancing on an exercise ball. my greatest accomplishment?
Probably
She told me a motorboat isn't successful unless they come out gasping for air. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!!!
It might've been him telling me last night that he "doesn't even need beer goggles to fuck me." When I thought that was sweet, I realized something needed to change.
There was so much jailbait at the festival that there was no other option but to drink my morals away
I wanted to make my beer stronger so I poured vodka in it. Why god....why
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
I did not marry a roomba.
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