3 of us had 22 margaritas. Hellllllo yellow cab. Goodbye morals.
well you can't waste a boner
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
Thanks for talking me down from peeing on his window last night.
I am now curious as to how you would have aimed.
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
Yeah but he's impersonating a gargoyle jumping off of everything. Including the walls.
I feel like everything I touch in this bar I'm gonna get hepatitis. my kinda joint
No im just getting a road beer. You got my pants?
Why do I have a bunch of cash....and your bra.
Glad to know I rate above a cabbage on the parenting scale.
THEY AREN'T MARRIED. PUT ON YOUR HOMEWRECKING PANTIES AND GET TO WORK. NO EXCUSES.
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
I decided taking Molly and seeing Birdman seemed like a wise life choice.
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
Sorry for face licking, I probably won't do it again.
Also, I love cats. I sat on the floor and they sat with me.
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