Homeslice needs to figure out he's so 2006
I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.
How was it?
Fantastic, but that's not the point.
By the grace of god and the ingenuity of Alexander Graham Bell, this text message is made possibe: YOU ARE A WHORE
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
just tell her a well fed dog doesnt stray far from the porch, and if that doesnt work just keep fucking her sisters
You kicked in the door when she was blowing him. You dont remember do you?
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
Banana suit guy has an entourage and they're all douchebags. There is no god.
You came in last night, ate an entire avocado in silence, and then told me I should never accept rides from strangers. Not sure I even want to know what happened to you last night!
I saw an episode of cops that had one of my ex husbands on it.
She grinded so hard on my face that I've got rugburn on both eyelids
Naptime over. I've got fresh contacts and tequila. RAAAAAAGE!
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
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