You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
Leave Me Alone
At least least me cry on your voice mail
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
im never drinking wine from a person in a wet suit and goggles ever again.
I just discovered the Reese's pieces and sourdough bread sandwich. No signs of coming down.
Looks better than the half a blow job I got the other night which I had to finish myself. From a chick I refer to simply as "mom jeans".
I woke up with gum stuck to my nipple piercings this morning.. So there's that.
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
Pornhub is actually a very wholesome website
Forget about letting a 70-year-old man suck on my tits for coke... telling my new boyfriend about it was the poor life choice.
My roommate has a sixth sense about my jerking off and walks in EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
Then it hit me - his penis wasn't a shiny new toy anymore and I wanted a new one.
If he isn’t into CosPlay he will be after tonight. That naughty nurse outfit heals broken hearts
Randomize
