Just saw my gyno in public. Weird to see her hands outside of my vagina.
halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
While my grandpa showed the family a slide show he accidentally included a topless photo of his new gf.
My roommate has every episode of Full House. I'm going to fail my midterm tomorrow.
the bottle said: caution extremely flammable. so that was my motivation.
WTF WHY ARE YOU STILL NOT DOING A BEER BONG?! THE TOILET CLOG CAN WAIT
I had to throw a towel over the bottles cuz it hurts to look at them
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
The best part about being single is knowing how much everyone secretly creeps behind their gf/bfs back. You wouldn't believe..Have a great date night!
I found his Linkedin the day after he created it. Too stalkerish or just right?
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
I slept naked with a towel wrapped around my waist in case I pissed the bed again
She got engaged last night. I don't think you should ask her out man.
I got arrested in a leprechaun onesie
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
Randomize
