Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
he came in the shower with me...i thought it was going to be nice and romantic...until he started peeing on my leg.
No one understands that once a girl pours a handle of smirnoff all over herself, clearly she is wasted
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
I'm like a number 27.2 on a scale of 1-10 of how badly I want you right now.
Your lack of a response brings it down to a 25.4.
I can't feel my clothes. I'm convinced I'm naked
It's gonna be ok. As we grow older we sometimes lose sight of what's important to us. Like safe sex. And standards.
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
Do you always skip to "Baby Got Back" when fat girls show up at the bar?
Update: that felon in Georgia I slept with is now a police officer. What a wonderful world
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
I was about to google "rabies and sexual activity." Then I realized I was at work.
NO FUCKBOY SHALL PASS OPERATION #BITCHMODE HAS SUCCEEDED
Thanks for the reference. If your boss hires me, I'll buy you a drink.
If my boss hires you, I'm going to need it.
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
Randomize
