So I just found panties on our kitchen floor that had a slit in the vagina section. Does that mean shes open for sex, or she has a penis?
you're dressed like that and you're on the rag, that's false advertisment
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
She talked about nothing but beanie babies for 45 minutes. I'm never getting high with her again.
She tried catching cigarette ashes on her tongue like snowflakes.
Me+graduation party+hammered drunk+polish horseshoes in the dark= black eye, crying, pissed, passed out in my dress... How was your weekend?
You know you're an adult when you break 100 to get 75 cents, to buy a condom from a bar vending machine in South Boston.
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
Well then sir I'll probably see you tomorrow after my class and at 3 with your clothes off. Sounds like a solid way to start the weekend to me
I feel like everyone in class can tell we had a threesome last weekend.
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
I got picked up after "I just threw up in my face". Then I had very specific instructions involving the bathtub.
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
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