I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
I'm reading about reasons for wearing clothing. IS THIS COLLEGE OR PRESCHOOL?
i have this theory that all the people in the world who dont like mayonnaise had very bad encounter with jizz once
Must be January. Theres a fat chick on an elliptical wearing khaki capris. Someone doesnt own any workout clothes
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
all I know is he gave me a Cialis and tried to take me home.
I feel like shaving is just admitting i'm gonna do him, even though im still on the fence
shave. it'll take 10 min. Better safe than hairy.
I searched the house and found a small bottle of sherry which is probably as old as I am, has prob gone off and tastes like shit. I don't care any more. It has come to this.
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
hey dude come in here and see how much of my beard i can put in my mouth!
I was woken up at 4am by a stranger shaking my foot who said I looked like I needed a cigarette.
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
If you don't wanna wax my ass just say so.
We need to get walkie talkies for when we're drunk so if we are at different parties or lost we can talk