oh my god, i just wanna eat cake off your dick
i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
she really just asked how mermaids reproduce.
just broke no shave november. hello backed up drain december.
He shit in the bushes next to the pool at the Venetian, after throwing up in the hallway. You really can do anything in Vegas.
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
First I must say that I am disappointed to learn that you knowingly have trashy friends with whom you've not hooked me up.
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
I should have made a run for it. Seriously who calls the cops on themselves and goes to jail. ...on a Monday.
Got stiff armed by the garbage man on the back of the truck...I just wanted to ride one block dude
Last night at the bar you we're seriously going up to people and pushing through them like they were bowling pins and you were a bowling ball
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
I'm pretty happy on the couch eating Popeyes and watching Cops so if I go over there you better have drugs left
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
Randomize
