if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
even iPhones love lady gaga. everytime I type haha it trys to correct it to gaga. this is bullshit...
its like she was born with a silver dick in her mouth
We are taking shots for every green Lon-Capa box we get for the homework.
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
I am expending an amazing amount of energy to not throw up right now
So I hear you're taking over showing your penis responsibilities now that I'm gone?
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
Just trying to get my dicks in a row.
Doing the walk of shame at 1 AM. Stumbled across a rave. This night is epic.
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
Is it ok that I asked him half way through sex why he hadn't accepted my friend request yet?
Randomize
