I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
Fire inspection over. Blunts are OK
once she started licking the door on the stall, i got out of there and told her bf "this is your problem now" and walked away
She devotes each year to either men or women. I waited all year for her to be straight, tonights the night.
Fried chicken is a must. Do strippers eat fried chicken or should I plan on something else?
Do you remember trying to make pizzas with the domino workers last night...while trying to speak their language with them.. spanish?
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
Meet at Walmart straight from work to buy items for hurricane fun. Then blast some wine, make some sex, blast a bowl and cuddle each other till the sun comes up?
That's the most romantic New Orleans hurrication I've ever heard of. Can I have your babies?
these people use weed stems as birthday cake candles. I'm never coming home
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
Your life is quite full of dick lately.
It really is!
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
Randomize
