I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
I had sex with billy mayes last night. HE KEPT IN CHARACTER THE WHOLE TIME.
i told her my name was noah and she leans in and whispers "that makes me so wet." ive never been more thankful for the Notebook
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
so just saw tiger woods pull a page out of his wifes book and hit some kid in the head with a golf club
She's the barista slut.
Subtly mention that I'm not a lesbian. I would only go for rebecca's nipples because they're pierced and I like shiny things.
found a hand written recpiet for 'one doe fawn' on an open crate in my living room need help to find it
where the hell would u of bought a deer
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
You were, but he disappeared after you said you wanted him to get you pregnant so you'd have a child by the time the Boy Meets World sequel starts
This isn't just a hangover. I can feel the blood moving through my veins, and it hurts.
Sorry. Not doing life today. Love to. But can't.
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
Randomize
