I don't care how hungover you are were not listening to enya
Everyone makes mistakes, yours just means you will forever be known as the chick that tried to steal a cheese plate from the funeral.
Idk what else to talk about besides you paying for half of my vaginaplasty.
I found her in the trunk, smoking a cigarette, saying every girl should know how to get out of their trunk
Just found an unopened tied g of coke on the floor in her room... she thinks the maintenance guy dropped it earlier today. This takes the cake for sketchiest apartment.
I even got my dealer to make gluten free special cookies ;-)
He probably thinks you're playing hard to get.
Hard to get?? I'm playing leave me the fuck alone.
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
Whenever I'm not in the mood and don't want to go to bed swampy, I just strategically suck him off during the second period intermission of the Cup playoffs and he leaves me alone and does the dishes. It's a win-win.
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
I've never seen an uncircumcised penis. I mean in person. I've clearly seen an uncircumcised penis. I have the google.
i don't know man... i just want to listen to John Lennon every time i finish fucking her. is this love?
His penis is the only thing worth pursuing but all the baggage attached isn't.
I'll bring spiced rum
I am not drinking that devil juice
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
