careful when you do the walk of shame, they are handing out bibles on campus
I walked into cold stone and the guy started preparing a supersized birthday cake remix for "Mrs. Munchies"
i realized that the internet ruins the joy of a father passing down playboys to his son
He thanked me for being "his little blond pogo stick last night". Good thing?
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
he couldn't find his key, so we just had sex on his parent's porch while we waited for his mom to get home.
This soccer player girl is eating this banana WAY to slow. Too early for penis shaped foods.
i think i have that disease where you wake up in strange places drunk.
there's a girl in the coffee shop just eating a pint of ben & jerry's
SMART GIRL
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
Last time we had a party like that I woke up naked on the pool table with a chalk outline around me and a empty bottle of jager duct taped to my hand.
Yea. I'm excited about this party too
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
and i walked downstairs to find my brother using nunchucks, and making the appropriate noises. i simply asked "why"; his reply? "why the fuck do you think?". i love my family.
They have a shelf full of jello shots, what have i gotten myself into
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
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