why didn't you poke me back
I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
Hey do you have anything at your house 30 ft. tall to throw eggs off of?
2nd semester senior, always drunk. at this point if i don't get a good parking spot, i turn around and drive home
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
The guy in the next stall screamed courtesy flush and then puked. Bless you Vegas
Your brother came in a girls mouth for the first time last night... Ah the tales told whilst buying minors beer.
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
I danced with a french guy who licked the sweat off my neck and poured a drink on me. Not gonna lie, that shit was refreshing
He just pulled his sweatpants down and pissed in the middle of our garden
Good luck. While you're suffocating on a dick, I'll be eating pizza rolls. Being a good girl.
My mom's yelling at me for being a whore and my dad's quizzing me on how to drive in winter weather....I'm home!
He fucked the hangover right out of me. That good.
Randomize
