btw, your gf is going to want to talk to you today...and consequently you're probably not going to want to talk to me...just a heads up
ha- omfg whatt the fuck is wrong w me. Alcohol+third cousins= bad decisions
I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
I may or may not be drunk driving a golf cart. Vegaaaassssssss.
I didn't mind getting the stomach flu from him. we had great sex AND I'm seven pounds lighter
The party theme was heirs and heiress's. Most guys came in polo shirts but he came as the "arch duke of vagina".
He passed out on the floor and you kept hitting him in the dick and screaming "hammer of justice".
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
The bad news is that I stole all your drugs. The good news is that ITS KICKING IN!
My boobs are numb because I've been using them as stress balls
I just need to stick to one night stands and delete social media
Completely unrelated and mildly related, a guy I hooked up with last year in a threeway died, his obit photo was his Grindr photo
Why were u walkin around mc with a toilet bowl lid handcuffed to u and carrying a stuffed Teddy bear last night?
Randomize
