why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
respond to me or i'm telling everyone that you inserted a vodka soaked tampon into your anus
I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
member when we used to take shits together before volleyball games?
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Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
I just saw her shopping list. The only things on it are blackberries, hot fudge and condoms. I almost don't wanna know. Almost.
I forgot to tell you thank you for putting me out when I was on fire. im sure I'll laught about this someday...
Fuck that. I will get OUT of CONTROL And rise from a hangover on Sunday like Jesus himself.
i remember going to sleep after the 4th time i threw up this morning and hoping i didn't have to again because then it would be uneven between saturday and sunday. my ocd is getting out of control
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Using all my books as packing buffer for my liquor bottles. And you said being an English major was worthless.
my star wars tattoo got me laid last night. definitely a dark side sort of benefit im thinking
Tell me why I woke up outside of our hotel room Wearing a cowboy hat and boots in Las Vegas.
They are going to name an STD after you.
he's so sweet and its so cute. but I swear to fuck if I let my guard down and this was all a lie I am going to become a serial killer.
Oh god...Did I just fuck a sugar granddaddy?!
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