I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
My entire floor is waiting for the couple to come out of the shower. She's a screamer. We've blockaded them
yeah, you were trying to hump the doorman.
when did we get a doorman?
we were also in the wrong building...
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
I just yelled at a bunch of girl scouts for yelling "cookies" to loudly. That hungover
Your little brother is asking me for an "expert opinion" on his dick size.
My sharpie cut off line was invaded last night. Where's my turtleneck?
I had so much drainage I couldn't moan properly. Fuck allergy season
Maybe I'm just didn't notice and imagined a different penis as a Freudian coping mechanism?
I think it's safe to assume that dad heard you lose your lesbian virginity last night
Look, you're talking to the wrong girl here. Tacos>dick always and forever
I woke up with sticky red stuff all over my sheets, face, and chest. Apparently after I blacked out I thought eating ribs in bed was a good idea
If I'm not naked in the back of a cop car having sex by the end of the night, I did something wrong..
Working from home has been great for my sex life! A few of my neighbors are in open marriages and several more wish they were!!!
Randomize
