bubblegum was invented today. we're getting drunk. end of story.
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
you referred to yourself as the crossing guard because of your neon shirt and began directing bar traffic
Currently bleeding through my leggings. Not good. Not good at all.
Hospital.
I am invincible.
I was just stopped at a stop sign waiting for the moon to turn green.
TO ALL WHO WERE IN MY HOUSE LAST NIGHT: WHOEVER STOLE MY BONG AND PUT IT ON THE ROOF WILL BE PAYING MY HOSPITAL BILL FROM LAST NIGHT.. AND BUYING ME A NEW, SWEETER BONG.
I found him stumbling up to our building with a solo cup under his arm. . . He told me it was his favourite thing ever. He also told me hes never been drunk before.
You did it first. I was merely expressing my support for you, by pressing my testicles against a window.
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
That feeling when you're ready to convert to the religion of whatever god will stop the vomit. Dynamite is illegal.
Damn you and your marathon penis with its superhuman capabilities
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
I'm going to smell of sex and shame.
How is that different than any other Monday night?
The party bus is stocked with 5 hour energies and beer and someone handing out adderall. Best. Wedding. Ever.
Randomize
