Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
i got a mint flavored condom from wellness day...im kind of tempted to taste it
Buying $100 worth of beef jerkey sounded like a terrific idea last night.
just skyped with my friend to listen in on the people talking shit about me in the library. creepy or strategic?
you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
He offered but I said no. I didn't think it'd be cool to accept cupcakes in the mens room of a gentlemans club.
I'm not sure, 7-8, the last bit was a rush of at least three blended together. Basically you fucked me so stupid that I can't even recall the number of orgasms.
So you know, I'm making that my facebook status.
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
WHY does every guy I sleep with want to fix my car?!
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
I immediately regret the tequila decision.
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
Maybe if you would fuck your boss you would get string cheese too
He ate me out on the front lawn of the post office. The people in the office across the road definitely got a show!
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