Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
I'm drinking rum and coke straight from the 2 liter bottle.
He told me his mother taught him that move. What the hell do I say to that?
he left his wallet here so lets treat ourselves to a lunch for the lack of penis we both had deal with
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
its ok, the prom king gave me his crown to puke in
By the end of the first quarter he was so hammered he was pouring beer into the crockpot with the miniature hot dogs and BBQ sauce saying he loved the supper bowl and he loves taking mini weinies to the face
You flew out of the bedroom, stole two Solo cups from the beer pong table, put them on your feet, clicked your heels together three times
I HAVE A GENTLEMANLY VAGINA.
I'm drinking and working out! I'm bench pressing the beer pong table and doing push ups and lifting the chair.
He ordered a meatball sub with a side of meatballs.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
He kept referring to my giving him head as a new level in our relationship and acting sentimental
You gave him a bj, not a kidney
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