At Coney Island the sign for the rollercoaster The Cyclone says, "Make sure your glasses and weave are secure."
Tis a story best told in person, it involves a golf course, police and vomit
It usually does with you
he came on my stomach, took his sock off, wiped it up, put his sock back on along with his shoes and left.
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
One of two things would happen: He'd love it, or you'd get a restraining order.
These margaritas aren't just going to regret themselves.
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
I haven't received a dick pic from him lately. He's not even my boyfriend and I'm concerned. I hope he's alright.
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
I just took a service station dump so foul I had to buy gas out of guilt
NO. FUCK YOU. I HOPE SOMEONE REPLACES YOUR LUBE WITH HOT SAUCE.
The worst thing about having to live at your parents again is the struggle to make up more excuses to cover up the booty calls.
Yeah but who says we can't be shitfaced and tan at the same time?
So, do I need to remind you to keep it classy tonight?
No, because if you have to be reminded it isn't classy.
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