It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
i learned a valuable lesson last night. sometimes nice girls finish first. twice.
my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
Just role played anchorman. And yes, I did take her to pleasure town.
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
So drunk. Washed my hair un pancheros sink cus I was so hot.
Why is your name on a gluestick in a plastic baggy stuck to my door?
I drunkenly called my ex on Skype last night and didn't talk, just smiled real big at him until I fell asleep.
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
The cop that got shot in the dick is here, let the entertainment begin.
I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.
So... remember when you threw an orange in the closet when we were 16 to make wine? Just found it. Not wine.
I texted him in the morning wishing him a day as spectacular as his dick was.
St. Patrick's day can kiss my ass. Still hungover. I guess I showed up at my gym blacked out yesterday morning. Like im not missing a gym day b
Man, I'm never going tanning again he noticed the burns on my ass
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