I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
was it mean of me to chase him screaming "DO YOU EVER WANT TO BE ABLE TO HAVE CHILDREN?!"?
Nah it's cool, I made him pinky promise me he wouldn't die if I left him passed out in the bathroom.
You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.
maybe next time you'll take an ex boyfriend warning you that she's batshit crazy as a warning instead of a challenge
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
Yeah... I was considering changing that part but the boxed wine is non-negotiable.
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
My parents are takin me for chinese food for my 4/20 present.
I fucking hate you.
Hot Italian guy literally came into my logic class just to get my number to study with me and left. America.
Is it socially acceptable to break up with someone over snapchat?
we dropped acid in chinatown. worst. idea. ever. too many colors. and nobody has any idea where steve is.
Okay, so when I go to meet your grandma, let's do a quick cum check to we don't have another "what's that on your face?" situation.
It is such a beautiful day to not be arrested
A piece of your chipped nail polish just fell out of my crotch.
Randomize
