I dont get it-she has sex with me but wont be my facebook friend?
we made a giant pot of alcholic jello. i filled a gallon bag and brought it to dorms. desk guy gave me weird looks, he doesnt realize this is how i will pass all of my room searches
I had to move some guys boxers out of the dryer. This is the closest I'll be getting to dick this month.
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
The bad decision stars are too close to aligning to risk this tonight.
we should look into getting a golf cart for the weekend. i have a feeling legs wont be a sufficient source of transportation.
I DO NOT KNOW WHO SHE IS, WE HAVE NO MORE FRUIT, SHE CAN'T STAY HERE.
It's that moment where you find out the girl you've been dating for 6 months is a mob daughter. Post breakup.
Oh were you the stripper at that club last Sunday when i was trippin on acid wearing a giraffe outfit?
Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
Also I ordered a dildo and I'm not sure if I want it still, so there might be a free dildo in your future
This Asian instant coffee I found in ur kitchen is like crack. Who knew I could feel my heart beating in my asshole after one cup of this happiness.
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