i'm in the sorta mood where i wanna be that crying, drunk girl who will hook up with anyone that tells her she's pretty
I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
You're barking up the wrong lesbian.
she reminds me of the first time i discovered masturbation. that's how you know it's true love.
i was on the fence about his sexual orientation until he referred to his marlboro loghts as "carrie bradshaws"
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
It's a fucking menopause festival down here at the strike zone
And they're not making a turkey. My cousin was "hoping to shoot a bird this week"
i refuse to take responsibility for eating Chuck E Cheese pizza and having any other repercussions than the shits.
That’s true love. If they recognize a chocolate mold of your anus.
YOU'RE NOT THE ONE BEING EVISCERATED BY YOUR OWN UTERUS SO GET SOME DAMN SLEEP YOU FOOL!
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
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