I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
now were playing what girl doesnt belong in the picture of girls in bikinis.
We've started doing pot butter shots. WHY AREN'T U HERE
I dont even remember coming home... All my stuff is strewn randomly around my apartment... And I woke up at 5 sitting propped up in my bed with just my arm in a shirt
They let me close the tennis center alone. It's a 6-minute drive from 2 of my booty calls. Scratch tennis court bj off the bucket list.
My head feels like a nest made of hair and cum
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
The bottle of Wild Turkey is empty and there is a pile of wet cement in the garage. What happened?
Dude, you GARGLED with bleu cheese last night!
I think after tonight I'm 85% lesbian
You have to get it done early. Like a dick drive by. Hit it and run.
On a side note. I slept with a stuffed giraffe last night. Found it in my bed when I came home and snuggled with it. Drunk me reverted to being 2
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
Randomize
