As of tonight I have officially had sex during every Disney movie.
im pretty sure thats the first step to being a pedafile
In a meeting with the accounting department. This shit is even more boring in real life and there isn't a professor to wake me up.
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
we found you standing over and eating out of my neighbor's garbage can
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
Apparently I was trying to convince him Springsteen has had buttsex. I ended the argument with "I bet he came from it too."
There are 3 guys sitting in the elevator in lawn chairs wearing sunglasses and holding beers. the hallway rugs are stuffed in a trash can. i've never been so glad to be sober.
He's a waiter, looks 15, and told me he loved me after only talking to me for 30 minutes. I told him I wanted a margarita. We got 3 free pitchers. I may have to make this our regular Wednesday night hangout.
you're avoiding the subject, i want to know how you ended up at the strip club with the dog, fucker
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
He just kept pissing on the couch as we were yelling at him while he repeatedly told us "its going to be okay".
I did crash a prom last night though.. It was fun
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
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