Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
I've been thinking about it and if we ever have a threesome it'll start off with us clothed solely in our matching fur vests
Can she stop putting up all these passive aggressive statuses and please come out of the "I-want-to-be-a-pornstar" closet already?
If I don't survive tonitght I would like to thank you for the ricekrispy treats. I am majestic
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Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
Also, I guess I made friends with the guy who caught me peeing behind a bush.
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
He wouldn't shut up so I started sending him pictures of animal dicks
It's like the cookie assaulted me with being high.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
I woke up at her place in a kids bed hearing Sesame Street. She doesn't have kids!
What? I'll do just about anything if you give me a sticker.
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
I'm stuck on a cliff. I'm not sure how I got here or how to get down. Please send help. And clothes.
I’m not washing my pussy with handsoap.
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