so i used to love airports for the escalators... now its the bars... then the escalators after the bars
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
The view from the bathroom floor this morning is fabulous
In the library. Still drunk. Shoes missnig. Term paper due in fiften minutes. Iff I puke u think theyll throw me out?
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
You may or may not of thrown up on your shoes, and you tried to give me a wet willy in my eye.
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
We have to have sex twice when i get back. I miss you sex, and thank god the nhl lockout is over sex. I will happily let you wear your sharks jersey during it and i will wear my ducks jersey, and it will be mad rivalry sex.
The number of tpain songs that actually relate to my life right now is embarrassing.
He's passed out. He nodded his head when I asked if he's alive though...so there's that
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
I mean go ahead and let your freak flag fly but if you could not fly it in my bed that would be great
Randomize
