hotel room ftw
those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
We raised our shot glasses and you screamed out "TO MY DAD FINALLY GOING TO REHAB!"
Throwing up out both ends. This is not how I pictured adulthood.
What happened to the good old days when we whispered the words beer pong and people came running?
Dude we smoked with a bunch of random stoners in a forest, then group hugged. It was the most magical thing we've ever done.
Holy sore nipples Batman
No no this isn't that fun. I'm alone drinking wine and me and the dogs ran out of things to talk about around 9 am.
He left stubble rash on my thighs and cooked me bacon before 9am. I need to lock this down STAT
If my emotions are below a 3 or above a 7, I'm crying
Finally fucked my buddy's mom!! We are both ten years older and for her it really shows but i hit it!!
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
Randomize
