i have a new swear word: supercalifuckaliciousexpialadamnit
Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
Just because i have a masturbation problem doesnt mean you can put 20 photos of Jesus in my room.
So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
if you can see her tanning goggle line that's officially a deal breaker
Eating doritas dunked in queso con salas. Salllas. Salska. Salsa. Got it. Shhiitt. Salsa con queso. That's better. I'm hot pink socks.
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
The rest of the concert I just stared at the lights and didn't really listen to the music cuz I was trying to make sure my brain still worked cuz my face was numb and I couldn't move... Yeah I'm not a weed brownie person
Don't they also have a lot of serious head injuries?
I didn't say I wanted to marry one of them. Or that I want one to perform surgery on me. I just want to have hot, dirty, MMA style sex.
You've fucked so many I should get a word bank when you make me guess these things.
I was asked last night if Magnum makes a XXL..... I don't think I've ever broken this many condoms in my life
I AM A SEXUAL NIGHTMARE
By the time we got to McDonald's you were sharing a Big Mac with a stripper.
I WANT GRASS AND TREES NOT SOMEONE SWINGING A SWORD AROUND
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