Goodnight my chunky, little, marshmallow muncher
he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
So in our children's lit class, some jackass little boy had gone thru the where's waldo book and circled waldo. I realize you would have been that kid.
Isn't the perk of being in a relationship not having to put in effort for sex?
she would only give me a road handjob because she didnt want to unbuckle
safety first
I may have farted on a group of children. It may not have been an accident.
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
The sense of comroderie I've built with my liver over the course of this semester is beautiful
Hahaha I don't remember taking it away. But no one should have a sledgehammer at a party. NO ONE.
I just woke up on my neighbors floor with my boots on, but no pants. I have 3 separate taco bell receipts in my pocket.
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
They tricked me into going into that room by saying we'd smoke a bowl and then they all proceeded to have an intervention with me about my love life.
YOU CANT JUST BLOW GUYS BC THEY’RE NICE TO YOU LEXI
I CAN IF I WANT TO
He was calculating the number of ceiling tiles when I was on top it was fucking rain man.
Randomize
