I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
I mean I'm basically single. Or maybe just an asshole. Either way.
i just woke up to 15 people singing a whole new world
Went to use to bathroom and walked in on karaoke. Two girls singing "a whole new world" to each other in the shower. I'm gonna miss this place in the summer
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just watched the video of me leading you with a trail of french fries.
Im celebrating the fact that the one guy who has ever denied me has just come out of the closet
I have pictures of you scratching against the sliding glass door on your knees screaming how you felt like a lamb.
He put crushed up bacon in the joint and now we're listening to the Matilda soundtrack I have no idea what's going on
I don't like sad things. I do like drinking though
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I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
I'm going to have to have a long talk with god if my soul mate has a prince albert
Will you trust fall hold me, so I can pee of this building.
I told the American that we should start banging in Canada incase I get hurt and have to go to the hospital.. is that rude to say?
I know he works a lot but c'mon man. I 69'd you the first week we boned. Put a little effort in. Fuck.
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
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