Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
oh god the rape fog is back!
Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
I'm still drunk from last night...I walked out for a cigarette with one of the Janitors here and apparently someone took a shit on the stairs...Which makes me wonder...was that me?
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
She brought up feelings... her days are numbered
oh, i've got big weekend plans. on an unrelated note, do you think viagra will work if the guy is roofied?
By the way, playing "guess who I had sex with last night" was a great way to start a Thursday, or any day
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
Option 1: fuck me and bedtime. Option 2: come fuck me and then hangout with everyone. Option 3: don't fuck me in which case fuck you.
All I'm saying is the next time I see him naked, there better be something in it for me that doesn't end in bailing him out of jail.
I'm pretty sure my munchies are the only reason Good and Plenty is still around
Wandering around the streets of Baltimore at two in the afternoon. Just offered a job as a stripper. Think I should accept?
Try an internship first, see if you enjoy it.
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
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