spell your last name, im trying to find you on facebook
we went to the store to buy cookie dough and conditionally went straight towards the booze
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
could hear acupuncture therapist getting blown in the next room over the whale music
We called dibs on each other's genitals. That bond is unbreakable.
For the sake of my mom, I can't sleep with two guys with the same name. She has a hard enough time keeping up as it is
i've created a new STD.
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
She posted a pic of her bf on ig wishing him a happy bday at midnight. She then proceeded to have sex with me. Who is the bday boy again?
It's the 3rd day of the year and I've already sucked two dicks. New year same ole me.
The dude is a cop how would I ever date a cop I wouldn't be able to talk about the first TWENTY-SEVEN years of my life!
I just blew thrown up hashbrowns out my nose. That's the level of this hangover.
ANIME MEN ARE MAKING ME QUESTION MY SEXUALITY AGAIN
I could have sworn that I went home last night... but judging from the couch I just woke up on, apparently not.
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