I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
i almost set my kitchen on fire last night. homecoming week is getting the best of me
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
After he was done he gave me a case of landshark and tickets to tomorrows yankee game. This is the best nonrelationship ever
All inclusive resorts are actually just places that livers go to die.
that bad?
u-n-l-i-m-i-t-e-d. f-r-e-e. t-e-q-u-i-l-a.
What vodka is american?
Skyy. I already looked it up for 4th of july.
I left my bra and a book at his place. He's a hot Scandinavian who is into physics and computers - had to step up my game.
I think you should just bang him and get it out of your system.
That's what you say about everyone.
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
Sometimes I think he has a hidden camera in my vagina so he knows what I'm doing and saying at all times...
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
Two of my dealers just made friends at this party. Do you think one will be pissed if I buy from the other or should I just go 50/50?
The guy I blew who bought us all the shots last night? I really think he's the TV guy I'm watching give the local weather. Like right now.
You are a genius and a whore.
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
Randomize
