i think i have two assholes
Grandma was not a fan of the beer-can ornaments. Not "traditional".
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
Hate sex is AWESOME! I faked it, and when she fell asleep i came in her purse.
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
I was masturbating with the shower head and someone flushed the other toilet. Pretty sure I have 3rd degree burns on my clit.
That would warm my breasts.
In this context breast is a metaphor for soul.
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
The secret to finals week is to have an orgasm for every point you need on the test before you take it.
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
Sorry this is the worst night of your life and that you're being a baby about it.
He gives me the same feeling I get when someone puts a margarita or German chocolate cake in front of me
That was before I lit my hair on fire
And I’m prepared, because I'm in it to win it (and by win I mean get railed hard)
Randomize
