what, no i told him that it wasnt nessesary to put all 5 fingers in my vagina
you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
it was like fucking gandolphs beard
I don't care. I'm going to fuck John's friend and it's all your fault.
Soup is not an acceptable meal before doing that many Jager bombs
in hindsight, the duct tape banana hammock was a bad idea.
he has a knack for choosing the worst time to masturbate
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
I just woke up to three dick pics. Apparently in my blacked out state. I was asking for them as the new valentines day card.
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
Alright fuck it. Alcoholic Jamie is back and here to stay.
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
And thanks for putting me in that safety position on the bathroom floor while I was spooning the toilet
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
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