Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
Michael Bay is the white Tyler Perry.
You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'
I came downstairs to find I had missed the 3some on my kitchen floor but not the pukefest or ER trip after it. This is what happens when the voice of reason is otherwise occupied
I'm glad I have good healthy relationships with my one night stands
Aw c'mon. You have to see if the spinning penis rumor is true.
She kept looking at me and saying "you are the scary high".
Should I have a moral quandary about Skyping topless with him while his son slept in the other room?
One day. I will touch his hair. I'm curious if it'll be like a soft cloud.
She literally just changed his birthday. Overly attached girlfriend has nothing on her.
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
We decided to keep having sex while I ordered the pizza. I wanted extra pepperoooooooooooooni.
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
He is married, and has a regrettably large penis. I need to find another one right away to get myself out of this mess.
How big does a penis have to be before it becomes regrettably so?
I just wanna go home jackoff, eat chicken fingers, drink beer, play halo and go to bed. I'm sick of this shitty school, the shitty kids and having to fucking teach them.
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