You're only the seventh guy she's ever kissed. Somesones gunna get EPICALLY stalked
You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
I just saw at least a dozen senior citizens on roller blades. way to drunk for this.
after watching ten minutes of "the decision," I conclude that King Lebron has more influence on America than Barak Obama. I love our countries values.
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
Just realized I could have five different dicks in me the day of valentines day but no real date. My life
Weird come down, just saw a woman on the train go to grab something and realised she had terrifying hands. They literally filled me with dread. I don't think I'm ok.
I accused him of not drinking enough alcohol and eating tacos after midnight. I was sober and he's not a gremlin. I would say bad.
I don't wanna shit myself again in 2015
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
I told my parents how nice the girl at the frogurt store was. I neglected to mention that I nearly lost my virginity to her via foursome.
His sister hates me so I took his virginity on her bed
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