So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
I kept whispering "I love it when you call me big papa" until she got annoyed and left
Well my dea agent brother is visiting so I'm gonna get high and see if he notices
I just discovered cum stains from two different guys on my wall. I don't know whether to be proud or horrified.
I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
Either I'm tripping balls or my dog has super powers.
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
Weird come down, just saw a woman on the train go to grab something and realised she had terrifying hands. They literally filled me with dread. I don't think I'm ok.
MY BRAIN IS OSCILLATING. DOES THAT EVEN MAKE SENSE
I'm like still hungover from the quinceanera.
Can you imagine doing supermarket sweep in a sex store? What's the sex store equivalent of a whole ham?
apparently i ended up downloading "thats amore", giving him head, and singing it... all at the same time
Watching a guy pay his tab with a check. Jesus dude...
We've been here for 9 days, so of course I am high at my in-laws' house.
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