so, totally just picked up a pack of red bull, and some magnum condoms and the old woman at the register's tone went from "hi blah how are you" to "oh....how YOU DOIN'?" she knew what was up
come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
you cant ever make fun of my bong's stick on moustache again. its the reason the cop let me keep it and my weed.
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
I went back to the party but by then they were all sitting on the floor in the dark listening to we are the champions on full blast.
I also think about what hot dudes penises are gonna look like when theyre 80 and it's not pretty
He's not letting me leave till I cum. I am a hostage to my own vagina
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
No no no he wouldn't talk to me before I showed his best friend how good I am at twerking
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
Now it's a thing. He's kind of a creeper and now he's lotioning me. This is going to turn into a Buffalo Bull situation.
I mean it's up to you where you want to sleep but I'm telling you you're going to hear us have sex no matter what room you're in.
Fair enough
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