Swine flu. Run for my life!
there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
I passed out and woke up with my pockets full of Lucky Charms cereal and chocolate coins. Another successful St Pattys Day.
obviously he has no clue about college dating. it goes drunken sex then the 1st date
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
Also, we accidentally donated a bong to goodwill
then you said,"Take this damn cabbage!" although it was actually your shirt. i found you in the elevator of his building.
What's that word that means bigger and smaller and bigger and smaller, again?
Goddamn it, Jaime, it's 4am. Throbbing. The word is throbbing.
Hold on I'm doing something revolutionary that blossomed from a high idea
Bro that's the last time I try to stick my penis in a bowl of jello. I can't believe your sister ate that, did she not see my dick mold
which one of you assholes put my new jeans down the garbage disposal?!
He told me he sees me like a sister then 10 mins later tried to make out with me.
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
Randomize
