Oh just a soda. I'm "driving"
Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
If no ones going to say it, then I will. Vanessa Hudgens boobs are weird looking
Woman Using Lunch Break To Find Another Job Gets Hilariously Snitched On By The Local News
Sorry I never got back to you. I got high. I know it sounds like a commercial or something... but its true
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
She jerked me off while she drove us back from Denver going 70mph. It was both the scariest and most erotic moment of my life.
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
28 ‘Thanks For Coming To My Ted Talk Tweets’ Funnier And More Informative Than An Actual Ted Talk
I'm sorry. But when a stripper driving a Bentley tells me I have potential..... I gotta at least listen to her proposal. God did not mean for me to waste these tits on law school.
I had to find out that I peed in the box of baby clothes from my mom, who found out from my grandma. New low.
So he says "my girlfriends coming over so you have to leave but I love you"
I got so high that I ate a protein bar while in the shower. I then proceeded to leave half the protein bar and the wrapper on the ledge in my shower. Haha oh well.
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"