sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
eating kraft dinner with my face. no forks.
And then she apologized after the blow job for being too sick to deep throat. I'm in love..
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
The upside of a losing football weekend is that there are more sad frat boys willing to let loose their inner gay man.
He looked at me like he knew me, and I looked at him like I had seen his penis before.
There's green glitter on my nipple rings. #mardigras2013
I may or may not have told him that he's "the only one with a PHD in this pussy"... I should like direct cheesy porno flicks or something.
Dude random question. Where you with me when the vulture got electrocuted from the power lines and fell on the sidewalk in front of us?
It's just great that Easter is on 4/20 this year. Now everyone can enjoy the Easter egg hunts. And being around my whole family.
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
Will you remind me I changed my hotspot phone password to fuckyouprivilegedwhitedude
Your parents are gone and we haven't fucked in their bed... why?
Randomize
