I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
We were gonna play Truth or Dare but like 10 minutes in we decided to get naked and play Dare or Get the fuck out.
he went to have surgery in the morning and apparently they found lip gloss on his dick
Fucking her would be like seeing big foot, finding a four leaf clover , petting a unicorn, and arm wrestling a leprechaun in a matter of a 6 hour period
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
Wanna play whack-a-mole in my pants?
Your word choices worry me.
I'll pretend I don't know she's blind, my morals claimed the back seat in this adventure.
Today is a shit your pants at work kinda day
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
At least your nickname is not Plunge Slut and that nickname is not in a published thesis work
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
I don't think it's a coincidence that the day I just happen to do the splits at the gym I come back with 7 guys' phone numbers.
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
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