I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
The Ex's are trying to talk to the GF. Game face bro.
Ummmmm okay let's be incredibly straightforward. Hi there. My bed's at half capacity this evening. How'd you like to fill it up?
I borrowed a glass of wine. And the bottle. Your cat said it was ok
I'm in the power napping at parties stage of my life
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
I'm like 80% sure we nearly got arrested because we threw fireworks at a car
in other news, i feel like i just shat out all my sins.
There is a high possibility I will pass out with my hand in a bag of Doritos
Seriously just told the plant the cheese Pringles are mine.
Started out playing table tennis then ended up fucking him on the table. Happy cinco de mayo
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
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