I'm gonna have a badass scar
I don't think ill make it tonight the floor wont let me walk
If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
there is a video of me from last night trying to light my breath on fire. that drunk.
Am I really that girl who walks around half naked wearing a cowboy hat begging for liquor at some random guys house
Her dad high fived me on the way out the door. Not the reaction i expected after she came so loud.
I'm a male taking pregnancy tests with every girl at the party. i have no regrets
I asked him why I was having sex with him in the middle of having sex. It was sufficiently awkward.
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
When your job has killed your spirit to the point that you don't want to flirt with the cute, tall guy at Enterprise
GIRL PLEASE. GO BACK AND POP THE TITTY OUT
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
Hot fire fighters installing my closet. Don't know how to go about this. Gonna nonchalantly take my shirt off and see what happens..
Randomize
