Do you know that poor pathetic girl that we should be friends with
I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
Listen, what he fails to understand is that the Olive Garden does not equal pussy.
Its mothers day and I have choke marks around my neck. Thanks for that.
He hit on a bridal shower w/ his hand on my tit the entire time. Gave his number to the mom.
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
We left his house because I forgot how to drink water, I was just holding it in my mouth and then spitting it out, needless to say I don't remember the sex.
Sorry for face planting onto the table with all our alcohol on it
So my roommate just came out of the shower with a dude...guess that answers all questions as to whether or not he's gay
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
It's called life, you pretentious bitch. Grow up.
thats all i want out of life, to get high and watch weiner dog races
I love how my parents bring water bottles filled with vodka on family trips
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
I woke up using a beer can as a pillow. successful party?
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