I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
I ate a lot of your sunchips. I mean a lot. Like 4 to 5 bags.
we've been at disney 20 seconds and she already got the cops called over
I just wiped my vajayjay with snow. Bad idea.
I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
so high and i think i just ordered a magic bullet.
did you call within the first 18 minutes? can i have the free one?
im probably shirtless right now with a bottle of jack watching horton hears a who. this is a judgement free zone.
THEY'RE. IN. YOUR. BED. THEY RANDOMLY SHOW UP. AND GET IN YOUR BED.
Why are there sofa cushions on the floor? And why isn't there a sofa in this room that doesn't have cushions?
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
I was high fiving everyone. I even high fived with the wall for doing such a good job suporting the ceiling and keeping us alive.
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
I wasn't going to just ask my parents for a damn vibrator for christmas
Who the fuck is "nick from the beach last year"
No idea hahaha...why?
He just texted me.. Should I ask where I met him?
The career specialist read an Onion article to us. Please send help.
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