By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
Ridin mah bike see you on the moon
seeing an 80 year old woman puke in the bushes changes everything...
that's spring break in florida for ya
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
She is chewing on staples and spitting them at her cat, I think it's time to leave..
Her face was so far in my boobs, I didn't think she'd make it out. She took it like a man. She's a real trooper.
Somewhere between yelling how am I gonna make it to my flight and more titie shots I stopped caring
Dude she flew me 1000 miles down to see her, broke up with me 7 hrs after arrival, and kicked me out with a week left til I fly home. Thank god college taught me how to shack up
Watching frozen planet. There's a beach master sea lion with about 50 sea lion bitches fighting another sea lion for said bitches. It's a bloody battle. Dude. You have over 50. Share.
Well I just walked into a wedding reception and im currently eating a cannoli in the men's room while pissing
I got a lap dance from a guy last night dressed as a school girl. Heels and all. His heels got stuck in my fish nets
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
I need to stop getting so drunk at bowling
All i remember from last night was that i was sitting on the toilet for a good hour eating a philly cheesesteak hotpocket... then i woke up... in my bed.
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
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